there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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