sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
