My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
