It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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