I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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