if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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