I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
