I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
