Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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