my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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