So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
