You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
