I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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