He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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