Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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