you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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