i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The air was thick with penises
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
