And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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