shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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