I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize