I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
