I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize