i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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