just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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