Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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