yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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