I haven't been this sober since birth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
