so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
