just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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