i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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