I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
