I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
