I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
