Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
