If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
now i know why i became what i already was.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
