you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
