I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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