So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
