so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was CRYING into my vagina
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have fence marks all over my body
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
