____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
