his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
