well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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