Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
