Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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