the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
