I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
