every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
