omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
