I think my vagina is haunted
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
