she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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