I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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