walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
