im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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