my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize