My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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