decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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