I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
