There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize