now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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