Non-Jews are for practice
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
