From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
