i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
