Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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