2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
